DAILY DIRT TOP TEN LIST! EVEN THE 5-STAR FROG SPLASH COULDN'T STOP... THE PANDA! Well, it's official. Vince McMahon has smacked the mat in submission, conceding defeat to the World Wildlife Fund in the battle over who owns the rights to the lucrative WWF acronym. And so, after "getting the F out," the World Wrestling Federation will henceforth be known as the WWE, which stands for World Wrestling Entertainment... which pretty much smells as bad as what the Rock is cooking in his spandex. And so, it is with this ripe slice of stinky in mind that we present the... TOP TEN OTHER NAMES for the WWF that would be WAY BETTER than WWE! 11. WWWWWWF, the Whole Wide Wild and Wacky World Wrestling Federation (a.k.a. the sextuple-dubya-eff!) 10. HBSF, the Homoerotic Blood Sport Federation 9. WCW, World Championship Wrestling (they already own it!) 8. TFWF, the Totally Fake Wrestling Federation 7. SOWS, Soap Opera With Steroids 6. NAMBLAW, the National Association of Man/Boy Love and Wrestling 5. BLOW, the Bad-ass Lads of Wrestling 4. WFAGS, World Fighting and Grappling Syndicate 3. SPEW, the Supreme Pantheon of Entertaining Wrestlers 2. GHWBWF, the George Herbert Walker Bush Wrestling Federation 1. FTWWF, Fuck The World Wildlife Fund

ON THESE DAYS! May 10 On this day in 1872, Victoria Woodhull became the first woman to be nominated for President of the United States by a national party. The Equal Rights Party was a short-lived and self-contradicting confabulation of anti-poverty advocates, female suffragists, Spiritualists, communists and racial minorities, hell-bent on government reform, equality among citizens, and common progress. Suicidally devoted to their principles, the Equal Rightists insisted on rounding out their ticket by nominating Frederick Douglass, a black man, for Vice President. So their Presidential ticket consisted of some uppity female and an ex-slave... in 1872! Predictably, the Equal Rights Party eventaully got, like, seventeen votes or something. *** *** *** May 11 On this day, in the year 1916, renowned theoretical physicist Albert Einstein presents his Theory of General Relativity to his peers. The scientific community is rocked by the theory, in which Einstein contends that people who are related to each other tend to look alike. [I will never stop recycling this joke, so don't even ask me to. - Jerky] *** *** *** May 12 On this day in 1938, while researching drugs to improve blood circulation and prevent geriatric disorders, chemist Albert Hoffman first manufactures LSD (lysergic acid diethylamide) for Sandoz Labs in Switzerland. It will be five years before he accidentally ingests any of the wonderstuff, himself, afterwhich he will write: "Last Friday, I was forced to interrupt my work in the laboratory in the middle of the afternoon and proceed home, being affected by a remarkable restlessness, combined with a slight dizziness. At home I lay down and sank into a not unpleasant intoxicated-like condition, characterized by an extremely stimulated imagination. In a dreamlike state, with eyes closed, I perceived an uninterrupted stream of fantastic pictures, extraordinary shapes with intense, kaleidoscopic play of colors. After some two hours this condition faded away." Cue the sitar music and turn on the lava lamps, dude! Here are some other people's TRIP STORIES! (my fingers are melting like lemondrop tears... awesome...)

THEY SAID IT! "There is no other cure than to kill Matt Drudge. I just want to tell everybody that Matt Drudge is smoking crack right now, in South Miami Beach on Washington Avenue. And the authorities should know it." - FOXNews shrieking head Bill "Oh really?" O'Reilley unloads on egg-sucking Internet troll Matt "the Hack" Drudge during an appearance on Don "the Horse Whisperer" Imus's fast-fading gabfest on Wednesday, after Drudge revealed that O'Reilley had to pay stations to carry his new Rush Limbaugh-style radio show. *** *** *** "Woman killed while selling encyclopedias door-to-door in nearly all-white neighborhood." - This bizarre news nugget was spotted creeping across the bottom of the screen on CNN, May 8, 2002. Make of it what you will.

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our new pal S. Mazzei... Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," she said. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines." *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our old pal Soglo... Three cowboys were sitting around a campfire, out on the lone prairie. Each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales began. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest hombre there is. Why... just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second couldn't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis. WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst joke was sent in by Pee-Dog. This news just in from the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem where the Arab gunmen are holed up: The gunmen have called in the UN to help get them out of the church as soon as possible because they claim they are being molested by the priests... Film at Eleven----

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky; I've been in a relationship for about a year now and I'm just getting to the point where I feel comfortable sharing my sexual fantasies with my boyfriend. I haven't really elaborated on much detail as of yet, but would like to convey to him that I'm very interested in including another woman in our sex life on occasion. The problem is, it's a selfish proposition. I fantasize of another woman and I together, and really get excited at the thought of me and another woman getting each off in front of him, but shudder at the thought of him actually engaging in sex with her. I don't know what to do or suggest, so I haven't really brought it up in detail with him, though I have hinted at it. What to do? Signed: Sexually satisfied by him, but sexually frustrated by the thought of an unknown her Dear SSBHBSFBTTOAUH; In order for this "other woman" to be worth your while, yer old pal Jerky imagines she will have to be at least a little bit better looking than you are. Otherwise, what would be the point?! You could just masturbate while looking into a mirror or something. So it's a given she's gonna be hotter than you. Now, considering this fact, it should be clear to you why you won't be able to deny your man his crack at the crack. It simply isn't philosophically defensible. Besides, who says you have to watch? You can always step out for a smoke while your man gets his cheat on! So come on, SSBHBSFBTTOAUH! Be a stand-up gal and let your man be a full participant in this threesome, and not just some pathetic side-line spectator at some glorified cat-bath peep-show! Cheers, YOPJ

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TODAY'S TOPIC: IS TERRORISM SUBJECTIVE? Care of: YPACCCP@aol.com. A mighty fine thing this, a War On Terrorism. I mean, who can argue with that? Terrorism is bad and those who practice it are evil, right? Only right to exterminate them, right? And they are so far outside the bounds of civilized behavior that due process and rule of law doesn't apply to them, right? I mean, if they respected law, they wouldn't be doing it in the first place, right? And anybody who isn't 100% down the line on our side is on their side, right? Well, let's see. I hate to break it to you, everybody, but we fought World War I on the wrong side! Terrorist attack, nation accused of harboring terrorists, nation attacked makes demands on nation accused which might, a wee bit, infringe on the accused nation's sovereignty but after all we're talking about terrorists here. Accused nation fails to comply 100%, so attacked nation declares war (the step we skipped) on the accused nation, otherwise they would be caving-in to terrorism, right? Attacked nation's friends line up to defy terrorism, accused nation's friends line up, I guess because they support terrorism! Voila! July, 1914. Trouble is, the nation attacked was the Dual Monarchy, also known as the Austro-Hungarian Empire and it's buddies turned out to be Kaiser Bill's German Empire and later the Ottoman Empire. We, of course, joined Great Britain, France, Imperial Russia and Italy (among others) on the other side. I guess we supported terrorism. Bad example? Sorry. I'll try again. Let's see, terrorist bomb explodes on bridge. Neighboring nation accused, again fails to give satisfaction. Attacked nation and allies send troops to chastise the accused nation, which still fails to meet demands and instead keeps fighting. Accused nation has friends, one of whom cuts off oil exports to the attacked nation's primary ally, which will throw it into economic chaos. Primary ally regards this as economic terrorism, refuses to knuckle to terrorism, first or second degree, instead makes a military response against accused nation's primary friend. Japan in China. 1932 to 1941. You guessed it. We joined the side supporting the terrorists again. Economic terrorism. Neat concept, I like that term. Nation A decides not to sell oil to Nation B under terms that Nation B will accept, so Nation A's oil cutoff threatens to topple Nation B's economy. Hmmm. Sounds pretty terroristic to me! OK. Nation B can't knuckle under to terrorism, so instead they attack militarily to defend their economy. Self-defense, right? "What right has a nation to its own oil?" Sven Hassel, The Legion Of The Damned. Mark my words: We shall live to see the day when a nation refuses to sell oil to us under terms which we deem acceptable. We will declare this to be an act of economic terrorism, and attack to secure oil supplies in the name of self defense against economic terrorism. And when it comes to terrorism, either you are with us 100%, or you are on the side of the terrorists! YPA CCCP [Yeah? So?! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com